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| The secret of this skit is for the machine to
do their part exactly the same, no matter what is going on around them.
The skit requires three actors: a kid, the sheriff, and his deputy.
The sheriff and his deputy are a "quick draw" machine. They each
have a gun and the sheriff has an unseen derringer in his breast pocket.
There is a gun on the floor for the kid. Sticks will work for the
guns, but if you can get cap guns for the three guns and a small squirt
gun for the derringer, do it. The machine stands in the center of
the stage, side by side, with the Sheriff on the audience side, both have
their heads on their shoulders, the machine is off. The kid enters....
Kid: Oh boy, a quick draw machine! I've always wanted to play quick draw! Let's see what it says. (reading) Pick up the gun and insert one dollar. Wow, that's pretty expensive, but I've always wanted to play quick draw. Alright. (He picks up the gun from the floor, inserts something in the Sheriff's pocket and backs up. The Sheriff wakes up, and elbows his deputy who then wakes up. Looking straight ahead he says.) Sheriff: Howdy pardner! Welcome to Quick Draw! I'll count to three, and we'll both draw, and we'll see who's the fastest. Ready? One.....Two.....Three. (Both draw their guns. The Sheriff is much faster. He blows the smoke from the barrel and says.) Sorry pardner, I beat you that time, but better luck next time. Click. (The machine turns off, both heads go back to their shoulders.) Kid: Boy he's fast, but I really want to beat this thing. I'll try it again. (He puts something in the machines pocket, and backs off. This time he doesn't holster the gun, he keeps it out pointed at the machine. While the machine is going through the first part of its speach he is saying) I wasn't ready last time, but I'm ready now. I'm going to get you this time. (Be sure you have finished before the Sheriff starts counting.) Sheriff: Howdy pardner! Welcome to Quick Draw! I'll count to three, and we'll both draw, and we'll see who's the fastest. Ready? One.....Tuh One....Tuh...Tuh...Tuh One...Tuh Click The machine turns off, both heads go back to their shoulders. The kid stands for a second, and then begins to complain that the machine has stolen his quarter. He goes up and shakes the machine. Finally he begins to walk away, where upon the Sheriff draws his gun and says.) Three! (He blows the smoke from the barrel and says.) Sorry pardner, I beat you that time, but better luck next time. Click. (The machine turns off, both heads go back to their shoulders.) Kid: No stupid machine is going to beat me! He puts something in the Sheriff's pocket, and this time goes and stands behind the machine with the gun out. This time he doesn't say anything, but he makes faces to the audience trying to keep them quiet, and letting them know how smart he is. The Sheriff goes through his speach looking straight ahead, as if there was someone there. Sheriff: Howdy pardner! Welcome to Quick Draw! I'll count to three, and we'll both draw, and we'll see who's the fastest. Ready? One.....Two.....Three. (At the count of three he draws and fires backward. The kid is so busy with the audience that he misses his chance to fire first. The Sheriff blows the smoke from the barrel and says.) Sorry pardner, I beat you that time, but better luck next time. Click. (The machine turns off, both heads go back to their shoulders.) Kid: Stupid machine! (He takes the Sheriff's gun from his holster, and puts something in the Sheriff's pocket. He keeps one gun in his right hand and one in his left pointed at the Sheriff. While the Sheriff does his speach he says) Are you feeling lucky punk? Huh? Go ahead and draw. Make my day! (Get done before the counting.) Sheriff: Howdy pardner! Welcome to Quick Draw! I'll count to three, and we'll both draw, and we'll see who's the fastest. Ready? One.....Two.... Deputy: Three! (The deputy draws and fires. The Sheriff blows the smoke from the barrel of his now imaginary gun and says.) Sheriff: Sorry pardner, I beat you that time, but better luck next time. Click. (The machine turns off, both heads go back to their shoulders.) Kid: I've just got to beat this thing! I'd better do it this time, this is my last dollar. (He takes the deputies gun as well. He now has one in his left hand, one in his right and one in his mouth. He repeats everything the Sheriff says, one beat behind him, but with the the gun in his mouth "Welcome to quick draw" sounds more like "Way-guh goo gwig gwah". He stands about a foot from the Sheriff and yells this nonsense in his face.) Sheriff: Howdy pardner! Welcome to Quick Draw! I'll count to three, and we'll both draw, and we'll see who's the fastest. Ready? One.... Deputy: Two....(The kid shifts from standing in front of the Sheriff, to standing in front of the Deputy. While the kid has his attention focused on the Deputy, the Sheriff draws the derringer and says.) Sheriff: Three! (If you have the squirt gun, squirt it in the kids face, and then say.) Sorry pardner, I beat you that time, but better luck next time. Click. (The machine turns off, both heads go back to their shoulders. The kid walks off dejectedly.) As an alternate ending, after the kid walks off. The Sheriff wakes up and says "It's quitting time, let's go get a burger". The deputy says "Yah, I'm really hungry. How much money do you think we made today." The Sheriff says "Oh, it was a fairly quiet day, probably about $800." And the two of them walk off stage. |
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| ANNOUNCER: The makers of Fatrical present
Trigger Mortis, the frontier mortician. Are you skinny and run down?
Are you so thin you have to wear skis in the bathtub to keep from going
down the drain? When you turn sideways and stick out your tongue,
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that adds weight to you. Fatrical is not a capsule, it is not a liquid,
it is not a solid...it is a gas that you inhale. Fatrical comes in
one delicious gas flavor...mustard. It costs only $4.95 a case.
And the equipment for inhaling it costs only $5,678.62. This includes
a 10,000 cubic foot tank, 300 feet of hose, three pumps, two filter tips,
ALL (this part is sung): and a partridge in a pear tree. ANNOUNCER: Now for our story...Trigger Mortis, frontier mortician. The scene opens in the residence of Sam Alamode, wealthy rancher and owner of the Bar B-Q Ranch in Sparerib, Texas. Sam is dying and is talking to his lovely daughter, Piney Alamode, whom he is lovingly calling Pie. SAM: Pie, honey, I'm dying again. Go call Trigger Mortis, the frontier mortician. Have hearse, will travel. PIE: What's wrong with you daddy? What's your ailment? SAM: I swallowed a thermometer, and I'm dying by degrees. PIE: I'll go call Trigger Mortis right now... ANNOUNCER: Unknown to Sam Alamode, his head foreman, Joe Silver, is hiding outside listening to the conversation. Joe is a full-blooded Indian, and Sam always calls him his faithful Indian companion Silver. Sam doesn't hear Joe speak... JOE: Let old Sam die. I wish he would. Then I could get the ranch and be set for life. He's always got some fool disease. Last week he swallowed a dynamite cap, and his hair came out in bangs. Before that he swallowed a hydrogen bomb and had atomic ache. He's suffering from Flower's Disease...he's a blooming idiot. Hey, here comes Pie Alamode's stupid boyfriend, Arnie. Poor kid, he's an orphan... little orphan Arnie. I'll just sneak away... ARNIE: I haven't seen my girlfriend, Pie Alamode, in two weeks. Boy she has lovely eyes... one is blue, and the other two are brown. Last time, she rolled them at me... but I just picked them up and rolled them back. I remember the first time she kissed me.... it made chills go up and down my spine... then I found out that her popsicle was dripping down my back. PIE: Who is it? ARNIE: It's me cookie... and I call you cookie because you're so crumby. PIE: Oh, it's my sugar... and I call you sugar because you attract flies. ANNOUNCER: We inerrupt this touching love scene to bring you a message from Peter Pan makeup. Use Peter Pan before your pan peters out. This is the makeup of the stars: Lassie, Bullet, and the untouchables. Listen to this letter from Mrs. Mergatroid Flugelhorn of Loverlip, Mississippi. MRS. FLUGELHORN: My face was so wrinkled, I had to screw my hat on. Then I tried Peter Pan. Now I don't look like an old woman any more... I look like an old man. I had my wrinkles tightened up, and now every time I raise my eyebrows, I pull up my socks. I owe all the credit to Peter Pan makeup. ANNOUNCER: You can be beautiful too. Now back to our story. Trigger Mortis, the frontier mortician is answering his telephone... TRIGGER: Hello............ Oh, it's you Miss Alamode......... No, I was just having breakfast........ Oh normally I have either Ghost Toasties or Shrouded Wheat........ Your daddy......... that bad? I'll be right over as soon as I can get my hearse started.......... No, but I've got to stop putting embalming fluid in the gas, the motor keeps dying. Well, I'd better be shoveling off... ANNOUNCER: Pie Alamode goes to meet Arnie in their favorite meeting place, the family graveyard. PIE: It'sso romantic here in the graveyard. Over there's the grave of my dear Uncle Ernest.... Oh look, there's two worms making love in dead Ernest. ARNIE: We've been going together for 12 years. PIE: So what do you want, a pension? ARNIE: Here, I'll put this ring on your finger. PIE: Aww, your face is turning red. ARNIE: Oh yah, well your finger is turning green! PIE: Let's go tell daddy. ANNOUNCER: This program is being brought to you by the Double Insanity Insurance Company. Mothers, do you have children? Then protect them with our double deal policy. We pay $100,000 if your son is killed by a heard of white elephants going east on a Thursday. If you lose an arm, we help you look for it. If you get hit on the head, we pay you in one lump sum. We have a double indemnity clause too... if you are killed in an accident, we bury you twice. Now a report from the National Safety Council. It is predicted that 356 people will die in accidents this weekend. So far only 135 have been reported.... some of you aren't trying. Now back to our story. Joe Silver is plotting to kidnap Pie and hold her for ransom. Joe thinks Sam is dying, but he is really only suffering from a mild case of athlete's foot in the mouth disease. Trigger Mortis is just arriving.... TRIGGER: Well here I am. When you're at deaths door, I'll pull you through. SAM: Good to see you Trig. Can you give me a good funeral? TRIGGER: I'll give you a good funeral or your mummy back. Could I interrest you in our new lay away plan? SAM: I'm a sick man. A sick man. The doctor told me to drink some medicine after a hot bath, and I could hardly finish drinking the hot bath. TRIGGER: You need some of my Whistler's Mother Medicine, one dose and you're off your rocker. SAM: Trigger, I can trust you can't I? TRIGGER: Of corpse, of corpse!!! Have I ever let you down? SAM: I don't trust my faithful Indian companion, Silver. He has a sneaky look. TRIGGER: I happen to know, Sam, that Joe Silver wants to kidnap your daughter, and keep her from marrying Little Orphan Arnie. SAM: Trig, how did you find that out???? TRIGGER: Haven't you been listening to the announcer, you idiot???? SAM: Trigger, we've got to do something!!! think of a plan... ANNOUNCER: Will Trigger think of a plan? While he thinks, a word from Honest John Pendergast, the used car dealer. Honest John has bargains in used cars that you can't afford to miss. Here's a 1776 Essex. This is a revolutionary car! Washington drove it at Valley Forge. The tires are so beat, you not only knock the pedestrians down, you whip them to death. This car has low lines. In fact it's so low, it doesn't have doors, it has manhole covers. This program is also brought to you by Glum, the toothpaste that gives you bad breath with the Good Housekeeping seal of approval. Are your teeth like the Ten Commandments... all broken? Do you have a Pullman Car mouth... one upper and one lower? Then use Glum! Glum contains eucaliptus oil, flown in from Australia. This eucaliptus oil is the secret of Glum... millions of users say, "man, you clipt us". Be true to your teeth, and they will never be false to you. Now back to our story. Sam, Pie, Trigger, and Arnie are trying to decide how to get rid of Joe Silver. SAM: I have a splitting headache. TRIGGER: Have your eyes ever been checked? SAM: No, they've always been blue. Trigger, why don't we put Joe in one of your coffins and ship him out of the state? TRIGGER: A tisket, a tasket, I'll put him in a casket... I was in love once, so I know what Pie and Arnie are going through. PIE: You were in love? TRIGGER: Yes, I was stuck on a girl who worked in a glue factory. She had a school girl complection... with diplomas under her eyes. Her lips were like petals.... bicycle pedals. Those lips... those teeth... that hair... that eye. ARNIE: Hey... here comes Joe Silver!! Get your coffin ready, Trigger. PIE: Daddy, lie on the bed and act like you're dead. ANNOUNCER: Sam lies on the bed and holds his breath. Trigger takes off his shoes and everybody holds their breath... At this breathless moment, we bring you the daily police calls.... calling car 15, car 15... happy birthday car 15, you are now car 16.... car 56, car 56, rush to the Bungling Brothers Circus. The fat lady has hay fever, and two midgets are about to drown. Car 23, car 23.... return the 10 gallon hat you bought for the president, he has an 11 gallon head. Car 19, car 19.... go to the corner of 6th and Main, the Chinese cook has just committed chop suey-side. And now back to our story. Joe Silver enters Sam's bedroom as everybody hides. JOE: So, I finally caught you, you scoundrel. You've cut my checks so many times I have to endorse them with Mercurachrome. I want to marry your daughter, Sam, and nobodys going to stop me. Sure I'm tough... I've been sent up the river so many times, I get fan mail from the salmon. The last time they caught me, I got ten years in solitary confinement and three years in the electric chair. Even when I was a baby, people were always pinning things on me. Now I'm going to get you.... SAM: Get him, Arnie!! TRIGGER: Quick, I have the coffin open...push him Arnie. JOE: Help! Help! Don't push me in that coffin..... (muffled sounds) TRIGGER: That takes care of him. Now I have to run for a body. A fellow in town swallowed a quart of shellac and died.... my, he had such a lovely finish! ARNIE: How can we thank you Trig? You'll come to the wedding, won't you. TRIGGER: Yes, I plan to give you a tombstone for a present, ....but don't take it for granite. SAM: Thanks, Trig. By the way, stop over and we'll play golf some day. TRIGGER: Never play golf with an undertaker.... he's always on top at the last hole. (they exit) ARNIE: Now we're alone, Pie my love. Someday you'll have my name. PIE: I never did find out... what is your last name, Arnie? ARNIE: My name is Arnie R. Square. PIE: What a lovely name i'll have. I'll be Mrs. Pie R. Square. ANNOUNCER: And as the sun stinks slowly in the west, we leave the lovers as they plan their future. Tune in tomarrow for a new adventure brought to you by Bleeties, the cereal for old goats. Bleeties contains 56% copper, 22% iron, 78% steel, 14% bronze, and 11% zinc. It doesn't snap crackle or pop. It just lies there and rusts. Bleeties isn't the breakfast of champions, it's for those who just want to make it to the semi-finals. In closing, be sure to visit your local dime store, where they are having a MONSTER sale. Haven't you always wanted your very own monster? Theres savings on wolfmen, mummies, and the new "make a monster" kits. We have vampires at special prices. They're excellent for curing tired blood. These are experienced vampires who worked as tellers at blood banks. Remember, tune in tomarrow for the first episode of the new story, "I was a teen-age senior citizen", brought to you by the gardener's magazine, the Weeders Digest. Thank you. |
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| Each man rushes in, gets an answer from the Doctor,
and rushes back out.
ANNOUNCER: We are in the office of the famous psychiatrist, Dr. Spellbound. 1st MAN (rushing in): Are you Dr. Spellbound, the famous psychiatrist? DOCTOR: Yes I am, and that will be twenty dollars. Would you like to ask another question? 2nd MAN: My brother thinks he's an elevator, what should I do? DOCTOR: Have him stop in and see me. 2nd MAN: I can't. He doesn't stop on this floor! 3rd MAN: (holding a cup of coffee with a spoon in it) Doctor, everytime I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my eye. What should I do? DOCTOR: Try taking the spoon out of the cup. 4th MAN: Doctor, you told me to drink this medicine after a hot bath, right? DOCTOR: That's right. Is there a problem? 4th MAN: Well Doctor, I have a heck of a time just drinking the hot bath. 5th MAN: Doctor, I get an awful pain every time I lift my arm. DOCTOR: So don't lift your arm! 6th MAN: Doctor, doctor, I'm absent minded. What can I do? DOCTOR: Pay me in advance. |
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| Jose enters the stage driving a car and crashes
into something.
COP: Do you know you are responsible for this wreck. JOSE: No senor, the chevrolet company made this wreck. COP: You didn't even put your hand out the window to stop! JOSE: On this car, you put your foot on the brake to stop. COP: Why did you stop in the middle of the block. JOSE: Red light say to stop. Don't say where. COP: Don't get funny with me. You better come up with a better story than that. JOSE: Well I try. Once upon a time there were four bears. COP: It's not four bears, it's three bears. JOSE: No, it's four bears now. They adopted one. COP: You.......you.......you're impossible. JOSE: No, I'm Jose Gonzales Tredonus Toughsleden. COP: How did you get stuck with a name like Toughsleden? JOSE: No snow! COP: I'm going to run you in. JOSE: Oh, mister policeman, I can't run very fast. COP: I'm not talking about running on foot! JOSE: Well, I can't run on my hands. COP: No. No. Not hands. I'm talking about cars. JOSE: Oh good. I like cars. What kind do you have? COP: A Ford. JOSE: You have a Ford? No wonder you're unhappy. COP: Boy that takes intestinal fortitude! JOSE: What's that? COP: Guts. JOSE: That's what the bug said. COP: Bug? What bug? JOSE: The bug that hit my windshield. He says he won't have enough guts to do that again! COP: If the chief hears about this, it's all over for me. JOSE: That's what the bug said. COP: The bug that hit the windshield? JOSE: Yes, he say "that's me all over". COP: I'm getting fed up with you! JOSE: Are you that hungry? COP: No. I'm mad. JOSE: Do you always eat people when you're mad? COP: Yes. I mean no. I don't know what I mean. JOSE: They call people who eat people canicows COP: Not canicows, cannibals! JOSE: Bulls is what the matidor fights in the ring. COP: What's a matador, Jose. JOSE: Nothing. What's a matador with you, senior policeman? COP: I'm flipping my lid. JOSE: Glad to meet you, senor Flipping my lid. And I thought my name was funny. COP: My name is not Flipping my lid. JOSE: (whispering) If you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you for lying about your name. COP: One more wise crack out of you, and I'll throw the book at you! JOSE: Oh good. I like books. I read recently that (announce something current here) COP: O.K. I guess I'll let you go. But I want you to know I'm really flabbergasted. JOSE: Oh, I see, Senor Flabbergasted. No wonder you changed your name to Flipping my lid. I think I'll just stick to Jose. COP: (running out) Let me out of here. I'm going to be crazy. JOSE: There he goes, changing his name again. |
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| This is a take off on the old submarine skit.
Use some of your older boys who have taken foreign language classes.
The first and last person speak English, the rest of the people translate
the simple phrases from one language to another. Give each of them
a book and let them flip through it as if looking for the correct word
to use in their translation. As the skit progresses they get more
and more frantic to quickly translate.
ANNOUNCER: We are aboard the new international space station..... CAPTAIN: Oh no, we're being attacked by the Martians. We'd better try to stop them with our missles. FIRE NUMBER ONE! OTHERS: (translate uno, eins, etc) NEXT TO LAST: Fire number one! MISSLE MAN: I DON'T KNOW HOW! OTHERS: (translate back) NEXT TO FIRST: He doesn't know how. CAPTAIN: PUSH THE RED BUTTON! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Push the red button! (The missle man pushes the button.) CAPTAIN: Too late! Too late! They've destroyed all of Africa. I'll reposition us to try again.... FIRE NUMBER TWO! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Fire number two! MISSLE MAN: I DON'T KNOW HOW! OTHERS: (translate back) NEXT TO FIRST: He doesn't know how. CAPTAIN: PUSH THE GREEN BUTTON! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Push the green button! (The missle man pushes the button.) CAPTAIN: Too late! Too late! They've destroyed all of South America. I'll reposition us to try again.... FIRE NUMBER THREE! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Fire number three! MISSLE MAN: I DON'T KNOW HOW! OTHERS: (translate back) NEXT TO FIRST: He doesn't know how. CAPTAIN: PUSH THE YELLOW BUTTON! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Push the yellow button! (The missle man pushes the button.) CAPTAIN: Too late! Too late! They've destroyed all of Asia. I'll reposition us to try again.... FIRE NUMBER FOUR! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Fire number four! MISSLE MAN: I DON'T KNOW HOW! OTHERS: (translate back) NEXT TO FIRST: He doesn't know how. CAPTAIN: PUSH THE BLUE BUTTON! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Push the blue button! (The missle man pushes the button.) CAPTAIN: Too late! Too late! They've destroyed all of Europe. I'll reposition us to try again.... FIRE NUMBER FIVE! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Fire number five! MISSLE MAN: I DON'T KNOW HOW! OTHERS: (translate back) NEXT TO FIRST: He doesn't know how. CAPTAIN: PUSH THE WHITE BUTTON! OTHERS: (translate) NEXT TO LAST: Push the white button! (The missle man pushes the button.) CAPTAIN: Too late! Too late! They've destroyed all of North America. There is no one left on earth. There is no one left to rescue us. We'll just sit here until we starve to death. Lets just get it over. I'll open the airlock and let all of the air out. (he does so, everyone but the missle man dies gasping for air. finally...) MISSLE MAN: I DON'T KNOW HOW! |
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| The secret to this skit is doing the same lines
many different ways. Get everyone involved. There can be lots
of people lighting the scene, riding on the bus, etc. We are making
a movie, and the director is shooting a scene where a boy is hit by a bus.
There is one person playing the camera.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Johnny got hit by a bus, scene thirteen, take one. DIRECTOR: Lights! Camera! Action! (two boys are playing ball) TOMMY: Throw it here Johnny. (he catches the ball, this can be pantomimed) JOHNNY: Throw me a long one, Tommy. (he runs after the ball, the bus enters the scene) BUS: Beep, beep. (the bus, perhaps with riders reading newspapers, hits Johnny, who falls to the ground. The bus continues on and exits the stage. Tommy runs home.) TOMMY: Mommy, mommy! Johnny got hit by a bus! (Mother dials the telephone.) MOTHER: Doctor! Doctor! Come quick! Johnny got hit by a bus! (the doctor enters) MOTHER: What took you so long? DOCTOR: I got caught in traffic. Where's Johnny? TOMMY: Over here. (Tommy leads everyone to where Johnny lies on the ground. The doctor checks his pulse, etc.) DOCTOR: He's dead. DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! Cut! DIRECTOR: Come on people, this is a sad story! Where's the angst? Where's the tears? We'll do it again, but this time make it sadder! ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Johnny got hit by a bus, scene thirteen, take two. Play the scene again, only this time everyone (except the director) is crying, including the ball playing boys, and the bus. DIRECTOR: Now it's too sad! Let's try it again, but make it a little happier this time. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Johnny got hit by a bus, scene thirteen, take three. Play the scene again, only this time everything is a joke, and everybody is laughing. Leave room for hilarious laughter between each line. DIRECTOR: Not quite that light people. Lets see if taking it a little faster will make it play better. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Johnny got hit by a bus, scene thirteen, take four. Play the scene again, but this time everything is as fast as possible. The doctor gets there before the mother can finish the phone call, he knows Johnny is dead as soon as he touches him, etc. DIRECTOR: No! No! No! That's way too fast, slow it down. Let's get it right this time people! ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Johnny got hit by a bus, scene thirteen, take five. Play the scene again in slow motion. Everyone talks slowly, Johnny falls to the ground slowly, etc. There are two possible endings for this skit. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Johnny got hit by a bus, scene thirteen, take six. Play this one just like the very first one. DIRECTOR: That one was perfect. Print it! Great job everybody! CAMERAMAN: Oh no! I forgot to put the film in the camera. (everyone chases him off stage) |
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| I couldn't find a copy of the words for this
skit, so I have rewritten it. Get some simple costumes, and have
fun with a skit that relies on two people trying to play five parts.
Half the fun is listening to the characters trying to remember which voice
to use and what is going on, and watching them trying to change costumes
while keeping the play going.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, for your viewing
pleasure, we had planned to bring you the Royal Stratford Shakespearean
Company. Unfortunately the actors had dinner last night at (or
with) (depending on where this is being done, use the name of another camp,
another troop, or another patrol), and they all came down with food
poisoning. Fortunately their manager and bus driver ate with us,
and have agreed to perform one of Shakespear's earlier plays, THE KING,
THE QUEEN, AND THE GATE.
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